Today I woke up at the crack and flew into work early so I could take my first shower, ever. Look, don’t think I’m some disgusting animal. I just ordinarily don’t need to do a lot of washing. Unlike you smelly humans, my skin and coat form a Super Twins activation to fight oiliness and dandruff, naturally. And I don’t smell either, which is more than I can say for you dirty modern homo sapiens after a day without a bath. Sickos.

Well, sickos except for one. Lisa, my beautiful Central California sunflower who just happens to currently fill the post of administrative assistant to one Donkey P. Egasus. That’s me, of course. Which is why I decided to take a shower today. I thought maybe an extra sheen to my coat and the fresh smell of Lilac Morning Breeze (Walgreens, $5.99) might awaken in Lisa the latent desire for me that I’m so hoping she harbors within. Lisa. That long-legged, sometimes clumsy but always there for me Lisa. We’re in love. At least, that’s my plan.

At 6:15am my downtown financial district high rise is a sleeping giant, with the exception of the caffeine-soaked workaholic lawyers who are always in their offices, no matter the day or time. The undead, they must be. So I decided to use the shower facilities on the floor before the living dead arrived for work. Nobody uses them. Except for the lawyers. I’m pretty sure they live here. Zombies.

I turned on the faucet and the ceiling started raining so I slowly stepped beneath the water. It took me three minutes in the shivering cold before I realized that you guys take warm showers. La-di-da. Look, when I do bathe it’s in the Bay just off Alcatraz and let me tell you, not all California beaches are the sun-soaked shallows of the world’s imagination. That tub is freezing. Warm water, got it. Score one for you humanoids.

I took an hour and a half shower. That sound about right? I laid down for about 30 minutes and let the warm water fall gently on my back, like a waterfall. Then I lathered up. So, showering is expensive. I mean, if you use a bottle of shampoo every time you shower, and you shower every day, and the shampoo costs $5.99, then showering’s no penny event. But worth it! I like the bubbles. Man, there’s a lot of em, heh? The lather and foam filled the shower and I stood there for awhile, encased in a 6-foot column of suds. Interesting, but strangely enjoyable. After about 40 minutes, the water started to melt down the foam and bubbles and I began to rinse. That took the remaining 20 (it’s not easy!) but when I turned off the water, man… I felt fresher than a giant mint. I smelled like a flower grove, and my coat… soft as a fur seal.

Drying was a little more difficult. I shook off for about twenty minutes and was still wet (and exhausted) so I hoofed it from the shower to the men’s room down the hallway and dried myself under the hand driers for another twenty minutes. People were starting to get to work. I could hear their morning chatter and was getting antsy and then, all of the sudden, the door flew open.

Raul: Whatcha doing Donkey Pegasus?

Me: Oh, just drying off from my morning shower. Great facilities here Raul. Ever use em? My coat look shiny?

Raul: Yeah, uh… Donkey Pegasus, you know that you’re supposed to use a towel to dry off, right?

Me: …..

Raul: Right?

Me: Raul, get to work. I want your reports 30 minutes early today.

Raul gave me a sour look and left. Towel, got it. How silly of me. I got to my desk, checked my email, and looked around for Lisa. The little muffin top wasn’t there yet. Then the phone rang, and I considered not answering it but my mood was so lifted from my first shower ever that I picked up at the last minute.

Hello, Donkey Pegasus speaking.

Oh, you’re in early. Hi, it’s Lisa.

Oh, hi Lisa. Ahh, where are you?

I’m at home. I’m not feeling so hot. Do you think it would be okay if I stayed home today?

Uhh, oh. Well… that’s… sure, of course. If you’re sick, you should be home.

Thanks DP, I really appreciate it. See you tomorrow?

Sure, uhh, yeah, of course. See you tomorrow.

Great. A whole bottle of Lilac Morning Breeze and she’s not even coming. I’ll have to go get another one and take the whole God damn shower over tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just use half a bottle. Eh, the old Donkey P’s innovating here, huh? Bet you nimrods never thought about the half-bottle. It’s called conservation… think about it.

So my assistant is absent today. Great, good help is hard to find. Maybe tomorrow I’ll scare up a towel and cut down my drying time too. Man, you people must get up early if you shower every day. Peace out foolios.

Eh… feeling sorta itchy.