Binkused.
You know that smooth upward flow to a mighty fine weekend feeling you get on Friday morning? Maybe there’s a party, or a crab feed, or a lawn bowling tournament that you’re looking forward to, and all you need to do is get through Friday? And you don’t even suspect that some evil brute might sneak into your office, throwing spears or coffee mugs or Chinese stars at you, distorting your smooth flow into turbulence, dismantling your optimism with swift strokes of the sledgehammer, and delivering that heavy gray blanket of negativity that makes you say horse piss, it might as well be Monday. You know that feeling? I do. Donkey Pegasus walked that trail just today in fact and then, out of nowhere, Binkus.

It came through the telephone.

Binkus: Well hey hey hey DP. Thought I might catch you at your desk.

Donkey Pegasus: Mr. Binkus! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon. Did you already review the 2008 marketing plan I sent?

Binkus: Now DP, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Baron? Nevermind on that hefty document you sent over. I’m having my cleaning lady read it over. She’s good with details. What I’m calling about is something my little Birky did on his new computer. I wanted to see what you thought.

Me: Birky. That’s your grandson?

Binkus: Righteeo DP, the 12-year old. My daughter Shirley’s fifth. Anyhow, he’s a real creative kid. A true talent, and when I told him that I was thinking of paying a big fancy agency to design me some advertisements, Birky said that he could probably do it for half the price. He’s a savvy little player, lemme tell ya.

Me (poor inconsolable me): Well sir that’s very cute but—

Binkus: Cute? Hell! This boy does good work! I gotta tell you DP, I’m thinking of going with him. He really understands that Binkus is a family brand.

Me: (inaudible weeping)

Binkus: DP? Did I lose ya?

Me: No sir, I’m here. Well let’s see it.

Binkus: Hold on, I’m having Birky send it over on the email right now. He says his screen name is badassbinkus@aol.com. So look out for it.

Me: badassbinkus at A O L dot com? He is creative. Alright, nothing yet… okay, something’s coming in, this might be it… yes, here it is.

Silence fell over me at this point like an anvil might fall over a cricket. This. This is what I’m up against:

Binkus: Well? Whattaya think DP? Little guy’s got some talent, don’t he?

Me: Uhgh.

Binkus: Don’t he?

Me: Mr. Binkus, what exactly is this supposed to be? In advertising terms.

Binkus: Well Donkey Pegasus, you’re the expert. You tell me! It could be in a magazine, it could on a billboard… Hell, it could even be part of that new packaging you’re always pushing for.

Me: No. No it couldn’t. Sir, this is all done in ClipArt. Did he use PowerPoint for this?

Binkus: How the hell should I know? I’m sure he used the same computer gizmos your high priced people in Frisco would use, don’t you think?

Me: No sir, I don’t.

Binkus: Look… he even worked in all the messages we talked about. Got the name of the company… Got the nutritional message about chicken… He talks about the flavors.

Me: No Baron, No. He does not talk about the flavors. He says All The Flavors You Desire. Now, is that true? Baron, last time I checked Binkus Wings doesn’t do requests.

Binkus: How about you call me Mr. Binkus from now on?

Me: Right, sorry sir. It’s just that you tell me all the time to call you—

Binkus: Things move fast around here Donkey Pegasus, keep up. Look, he’s even made up a new slogan. It’s good too! Wings are for Kings. Now that’s the type of thing that might make a man pick these up in the freezer aisle. Don’t you think?

Me: It’s… Wait, is that one chicken eating the egg that the other chicken’s laying?

Binkus: What? Where?

Me: Lower left sir.

Binkus: Well I’ll be, it sure looks like it. That’s sorta weird.

Me: Sir, to be honest, the whole thing is weird. Do you see your competition putting out work of this quality? You see Hooters using clip art? Binkus doesn’t have boobs sir, so you’re gonna need to excel in other areas. And I’m sorry to tell you, this is just not good.

Binkus: I’m just trying to give the kid a chance here DP, don’t get all uppity about it.

Me: Well I appreciate that Birky wanted to help sir, and I’m sure he’s very talented and creative. But you can’t have your 12-year-old grandson design your ads. You’ll be a laughing stock.

Binkus: You people out west sure don’t understand the rest of us DP. I’m gonna have to think this over. The family’s coming over this Sunday for a pig roast and I think I’ll do some—what did you call it?—market testing, and I’ll get back to you next week on it. A good business man just doesn’t jump into something this big DP. Your asking me for a lot of money! You gotta understand that.

Me: I do sir, I do.

Binkus: Good then. You have yourself a nice weekend DP. Hope there ain’t too much fog in Frisco for ya.

Me: Thank you Mr. Binkus.

Binkus: Please, call me Baron…

Me: Right. Oh, one more thing Baron… Baron?

Line went dead.  Binkus.